Darling Clementine

I hate my name. I don’t just hate it; I’m sick of hearing it. I’ve hated/been sick of hearing it since I was a little kid. I’ve been trying ever since to be called something else; but, alas, it never works. No one takes me seriously.

I’ve been seriously thinking about changing it for the past six months. I’ve gone from changing just my first name. To changing the first & last, and now to changing the entire damn thing. I no longer want to be namely linked to my family. I just don’t feel the connection. I’m only close-enough to a couple of them anyway (minus the children); so I wouldn’t really feel any guilt over it. We’ve never been a close-knit family anyway. Shit has gone on that I don’t care to be connected to, other than the obvious way. I don’t want people to hear my name and think of anything or anyone else.

I don’t know. I still have some thinking to do, some talking it out to do; some of everything, I suppose.

Anyway, speaking of myself… my doppelganger has been running around town again. I stopped at the gas station after to work to buy some beer (ooooooh). I visit this store all of the time, so the people behind the register recognizing me, I don’t find all that strange. But, today, I did. After ringing in the beer, she asked to see my I.D., which of course, I’m more than happy to show, . Then, as I was getting it out, she said, “I kind of remember you from yesterday, but let me look anyway.”

I didn’t go to the gas station yesterday… let alone buy any beer. Either I look like someone else or that evil bitch is following me again. This is the first time in a while that this has happened. The last time I remember was, damn quite (QUITE) a few years ago. The guy I was dating at the time had taken his mother out to dinner. Sometime during he swore up and down that he was trying to get my attention and I was flat-out ignoring him. Only problem… I hadn’t been out to dinner that night. Hell, at the time, I hadn’t been to that particular restaurant in ages. So, I was a tad confused when he called me up later in the night to bitch at me. ha ha!

I love stuff like that, even when people get mad at me for something Anti-Clementine did.

Something that popped into my head on the way home from work today… I’m sick of hearing the following things:

“It’s always the quiet ones.”
“Hey, smile; it’s not that bad.”
“Hey, smiley.”
“Oh my god, she talked to me.”

And, any variation of the “he or she is quiet/weird/whatever, they must be serial killers/puppy kickers/baby stranglers/unibombers/school shooters…etc, etc.” Of course, that one goes hand-in-hand with the “it’s always the quiet ones” crap.

Oh well, it’s tough being a misanthrope. It’s been such a nice day (other than the conversation that consisted of the immediate above). Pleasant weather, blue skies, upper-70s… too bad it’s supposed to rain all weekend. I’m so tired of rain.

I try to remain positive and upbeat most days. Sure, some days are a struggle when you’re just not in the mood for anyone’s crap; but, I try. Especially if it’s over something tiny and asinine.

But, man, I know this person who is constantly negative. It drives me crazy and tends to rub off most days. Try as I might to ignore it, it bores its way into my head and takes over my thoughts. I find myself thinking all sorts of horrible things about people and situations that I normally have no problems with.

I’m near the point where I don’t want to be around her anymore. But, that’s kind of hard to accomplish. We work together, we’re related. I don’t have to be near her outside of work, so that’s one good thing. The negativity can’t chase me home most days, ha ha! I’ve been pretty good at tuning her out lately, so that helps. One day, I’ll find some foolproof method that doesn’t involve ignoring her completely. One of these days…