Darling Clementine

“It takes a lot of courage to
show your dream to someone else.”
– Erma Bombeck

Is it a sign of old age when you start wearing your pants where they belong (or near enough)? Or is it just that you’re sick of your fucking butt-crack hanging out every time you sit down? You damn kids and your low-waist pants.

The only place a woman can go to be alone
is the bathroom.
A woman would like to be wrapped in strong arms
when she cries, without having to explain,
or huddle on the couch wrapped in a blanket and a cat.
But all over America, women crouch instead
on a white, cold monument to wasting water.
We lean against a chilled tile wall,
stare at ourselves in an icy mirror,
flush the toilet to cover howls and curses,
brush our teeth twice to cover the taste of anger.
We lock the door, fill the tub with hot bubbles,
take a long time shaving our legs and armpits,
study the way waves break over bulging stomachs.
We scour the sink and rearrange the bottles under it,
refold towels, throw away old prescriptions,
count bandaids and bottles of suntan lotion.
We turn out the lights, stare into candle flames,
light incense, try to pretend we’ve taken our troubles
to a glowing temple, placed them in the lap
of a smiling golden Goddess.

Outside, men who wouldn’t know what to do
if a woman curled up in bed and cried
can relax before bloodless images on TV
and think, “She’s only in the bathroom
doing some woman’s thing.”
Behind a locked door, a woman
spins the empty toilet paper roll
like a Tibetan prayer wheel,
chanting “Help me, help me, help me.”

If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.

– C.S. Lewis

01. What’s so ugly it’s kind of cute?
I like all of those goofy-looking, bug-eyed marsupials. I just want to hug them, and squeeze them, and call them George.

02. What’s the ugliest article of clothing in your wardrobe?
You know, I think I gave away my ugliest piece of clothing. I just couldn’t stand looking at it anymore & I certainly didn’t wear it anymore. It was a this polyester-ish shirt with silver, metallic dots all over it. I’m sure it made someone very fashionable in the early-90s, but I had this bastard in the 2000s, ha ha! My mother bought it for me at the thrift store. You know, come to think of it, if I could have found a way to peel off all the the “sparkly”, I definitely would have worn it more… and possibly still own it.

03. What’s the ugliest car on the streets today?
I’m not too fond of PT Cruisers. They’re just, ugh. Or, what’s that other one? Aztek? Is that what it’s called? Yeah, don’t really like that one, either.

04. Under what circumstances are you most likely to whip out your ugliest behavior?
I’d say when other people have their ugliest behavior out, but I can ignore that most of the time. Probably when someone is just flat-out lying about me, someone I know or some situation to make themselves look better. I’m not going to stand around and be your scapegoat for something, especially if it’s something I was never involved in in the first place. You know? That or if something’s threatening my well-being.

05. Which of the United States of America has the ugliest shape?
All of the rectangle-y ones out west. Their shapes are all so boring. Poor Western states, I still love you, .