Darling Clementine

I think I’m in the midst of a quarter-life crisis. I’m sick of most of the people I’m in contact with on a daily basis. I just want to crawl into a hole (or bed) and not come out. I loathe getting up in the mornings. I loathe getting in the shower and driving down the interstate. I loathe the rest of the fucking day. I even loathe going back to bed to start it all over.

I’m confused and annoyed and trapped and… stifled. I can’t do anything without people getting mad at me (or it feels that way anyway). I can’t express my feelings on things without people getting mad and being smart-asses about it. I’m about to pop the fuck off at work. It’s coming, I can feel it. Of course, really, when I say people, I should really say mother. It always come back to mother, doesn’t it?

I don’t know. I just feel so fucking trapped in this city. I just want to break out… run away with my arms flailing and screaming at the top of my lungs. I can’t take it anymore, but really, I’m finding it hard to work up the motivation and willpower to do anything about it. There’s only one person rallying in my corner & we’re codependent as a mother… (Loooove you, :P)

I’m sick of people and situations and family and work and, just, EVERYTHING. Just sick… and tired. Oh Lord, am I tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally. I’m going to snap one day and it’s going to be ugly. How I’ve managed to keep everything semi-bottled inside all of this time, I’ll never know. I’m mentally keeping a list of everyone who’s gonna get it and I’m going to make a lot of enemies. But, you know what? I don’t even care. I’m teaching myself not to care. Because if they cared about anyone but themselves, they wouldn’t be dickbags.

I’m learning to teach myself to be myself. BE MYSELF. Don’t live for anyone else. Don’t compromise my standards and morals and thoughts and whatever for anyone else. I haven’t been myself in a long, long time. It’s depressing. But, some people have way of working their way into your brain and soon enough, you’re consumed by their negativity and thoughts and just crap.

I need to get out of here, this place is going to kill me. I’m letting my fears and anxiety about starting anew keep me trapped, I know this. Eventually, you’ve just gotta say “fuck it”, throw caution to the wind and go. Just go. Go. And I will… I’m going to do this.

I would like to dedicate the following video to my sister… she knows why

If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. I’ll always be with you.

– A.A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh