Darling Clementine

Oh dear, I’m ever so sorry the presence of The Roommate has “ruined your weekend.” Wasn’t aware that you were going to be spending your weekend at our house, but thanks for letting me know. I shall plan my life around yours accordingly. Shall I go to the store and pick you up anything? What are your favourite foods? Shall I stock your favourite crappy-ass beer and vodka? Please do let me know when you’re on your way so that I might roll out the red carpet and sprinkle it with flower petals. Ready the doves for your arrival and strike up the band. Hire photographers and perhaps some circus midgets.

My, my where are my fucking manners?

Oh, yes, I deliberately threw away your orders. You caught me. Oh noes!!!!!

Dear Meth-head, I CAN be driven to violence. So, you know… keep that in mind while you keep lying on me and trying to set me up. Don’t fucking “trip” down the stairs, bitch.

‘allo Lovies! I’ll quit busting on my husband and post something else now, ; even though I have another picture I’m going to do something with.

Anyway, allow me to get this out of my system: YEAH, IT WAS ME WHO BUSTED YOU OUT, YOU FUNCTIONALLY-RETARDED EEJIT. IT WAS ME ON FRIDAY, TOO. KEEP IT UP AND SO WILL I!

Ugh, I can’t stand that motherfucker. I hope he gets fired. Yeah, yeah, I’m a horrible person. I didn’t say I was going on a mission to get him fired… yet. ha! He’s pushing it, dudes. Aaaaaanyway…

Know what else I hate? When people try to make themselves sound smarter than they really are. “You keep using that word…” CUT THAT SHIT OUT. Also, along the same vein… people who change their speaking manner, stop trying to sound uppity. Chick at work did that shit earlier while paging someone over the intercom & I wanted to hit her. You don’t see me walking around with a fucking English accent even though there are some days I REALLY need to be English. Seriously.

Maybe I just hate people. We should build a compound… in England… with blackjack and hookers. In fact, forget the blackjack.

I totally told a truck driver to kiss my ass this morning. Motherfucker had it coming. I was not in the mood for smart-ass jokes about my work performance. Especially from some smelly loser. Allow me to start from the beginning…

Drivers come in to pick up some cheap shit. They’re early, so I’m not in the mood. I’m currently processing orders, so it’s going to be a minute. Georgia tells SmartAss McGee that I’m currently doing that and it’ll be a minute. (It doesn’t take me long, because I fucking rule.) I’m coming around the corner from the stairs as she’s telling him. Then as I’m picking up the folders, I hear this…

“[current real name] needs to step it up a notch.”

(cue me turning around with that LOOK on my face. oh yeah, peaches, you know that look i get when i’m going to get stabby.)

“You need to kiss my ass.”

Then cue his other smart-ass comment about me not having had my coffee this morning. I don’t drink coffee during the week and I manage just fine so SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU SMELLY LOSER.

I just ignored him and went about my business. I went back upstairs and came back down a few minutes later and he cracks off, “It’ll be OK, [current real name}.”

I swear to everything Holy I almost went over there and kicked him in his fucking shins. Anyway…

So, how is everyone? BRILLIANT!