Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Speaking of other “Jew” stuff that has made me giggle uncontrollably… possibly due to massive caffeine consumption…

I’m totally going to Hell… LOL (Dear God, I had no hand in making these. Love, Essie.)

I’d never seen one in person before. Just on TV. It was awesome! He was doing this, it was gorgeous!

(image from British Falconers Club)

drive, drive, drive
“Holy Shit, a red-tailed hawk!”
drive, drive, drive
“That was fucking cool!”

BOLD; useless info about me

You are female
You dropped out of high school
You graduated within the last 5 years
You live on your own
You live within 20 minutes of your best friend
You live within 20 minutes of the last person you kissed
You live within 20 minutes of your ex
You have hugged someone in the last 48 hours
You have been to the movies within the last week
You have had 3 or more boyfriends/girlfriends just this year
You have been a designated driver
You have broken merchandise and not paid for it
You have played strip poker
You are atheist
You recycle regularly
You are a brunette
You have dated a blonde
You are friends with a redhead
You are taller than your mom
You have a checking account
You’ve written a check for less than $5 (I’ve debit carded that shit, though, )
You have visited the Statue of Liberty
You have visited the Eiffel Tower
You have visited Big Ben
You have visited the Coliseum
You have visited The Great Wall of China
You have never been out of the country *sigh*
You have been a waiter/waitress
You own a Bible
You own something with a Pentagram on it
You have used a Ouija Board
You have been a witch for Halloween
You have been a zombie for Halloween
You have been a Disney character for Halloween
You don’t celebrate Halloween
You have your belly button pierced (Used to.)
You have your tongue pierced
You have your eyebrow pierced
You have a Monroe piercing
You have your nose pierced
You have an ankle tattoo
You have a wrist tattoo
You have a back tattoo
You have no tattoos
You have more than 5 tattoos
You straighten your hair
You have worn a dress in the last 3 days
You live somewhere that gets snow We don’t get it much, but we get it.
You celebrate Hanukkah Not yet
You were at your own house last New Year’s
You were at a bar last New Year’s
You slept through last New Year’s
You have worked on Christmas Eve
You have worked on Christmas
You have been told ‘I love you’ by someone today
You slept in your own bed last night
You are dating the last person you kissed
You regret kissing the last person you kissed (If only because they won’t leave me the hell alone.)
You enjoyed your last kiss
You are wearing a necklace right now
You are wearing something red
You are wearing something blue
You are wearing something purple
Your phone is fully charged
You have kissed the last person you called/texted
You last called/texted a boy
You are currently listening to music
You are waiting for something
You don’t like seafood
You have eaten deer sausage
You have given a complete stranger your phone number
You have been hit on at work *shudder*
You have been hit on by someone more than 20 years older than you
You have been whistled at
You are a good speller
You are very punctual
You were dating someone in December of 2008
You are still dating that person
You have cheated on someone
You have been cheated on
You have been on a cruise ship
You have camped out in your own backyard
You are wearing something that doesn’t belong to you
You are a Pisces
You are a Leo
You are a Capricorn
You have Irish heritage
You have Polish heritage
You have Japanese heritage
You have Israeli heritage
You have German heritage
You have Portuguese heritage
You have French heritage
You have Norwegian heritage
You have Korean heritage
You were born in May
You were born in June
You were born in October
You wonder what will happen when you die
You are afraid of the dark
You write in all capital letters
You have been told you have nice handwriting
You have curly hair
Your phone provider is Sprint
Your phone provider is AT&T
Your phone provider is Verizon
You live within an hour of your birthplace I live IN my stupid-ass birthplace.
You are wearing a watch
You are wearing flip flops
You wouldn’t date someone who smoked
You know someone with the same birthday as you Not personally
You are a morning person
You are a night owl
You have big plans for next weekend
You are thinking of someone right now
Your job is stressing you out
You don’t have a job
You have never had a job
You were fired from your last job
You know sign language
You made your bed today
You will usually try something at least once
You have been swimming in the last month
You are pessimistic by nature
You have taken a ballet class
You have taken karate
You have taken gymnastics
You wish on shooting stars
You wish at 11:11
Your birthday has already come this year
You have been in a relationship that lasted longer than a year
You ended your last relationship
Your ex ended your last relationship
You are over your ex
You have gone after someone you knew was bad for you
You have been in a physically abusive relationship
You are engaged
You are married
You are divorced
You have a child
You were/are a teenage mom
You were named after someone
You like your name
Your last drink was flavored water
You have visited somewhere said to be ‘haunted’
You have skipped school just because you didn’t feel like going
You have taken medicine when you ‘feel a headache coming on’
You are self-conscious about your body
You have a hangover
You have had a Jehovah’s Witness show up at your house
You have pet fish Not in many years
You live on a farm
You live in a trailer
You live in Montana
You live in South Carolina
You live in Illinois
You live in Maryland
You live in New Mexico
You have godparents “Godparent”
You have step-siblings
You are the oldest “Only child” ha ha!
You are adopted
You have a twin
You don’t want kids
You want more than four kids
You have a bad temper
You have made out with a complete stranger
You usually make the first move in an intimate situation
You regret losing your virginity
You lost your virginity to someone the same age as you
You lost your virginity to someone you were dating
You lost your virginity before you were sixteen
You are a virgin
You have worked with a Kayla
You have gone to the movies with a Jared
You have hugged a Lexie
You have held hands with a Marcus
You have dated a Rachel
You have kissed a David
You have ridden in a car with a Nicole ha ha!
You have had class with a Patrick
You have gone out to eat with a Chloe
You know a Kyle in the military
You are related to a Julie
You have gotten drunk with a Brent
You have broken your arm
You have had to get stitches on your face
You have had an MRI
Your fingernails are painted
Your fingernails are painted black They were last week
You like to read
You can play an instrument
You keep a lot of secrets from people
You borrowed something you really need to give back to someone
You drive a car older than a 2002
You have lost a friend you never thought you would
You know a child who died of cancer
You know a teenager who died in a car wreck
You have done something illegal in the past 24 hours
You have cut your hair in the last week
You wear glasses
You have been pulled over for speeding
You love to drive with the windows down
Your favorite season is Autumn
Your favorite color is orange
Your favorite animal is a dolphin
You last rode in a car with a relative
You last rode in a car with the person you are dating
You regularly watch soap operas
You love Italian food
You can see a box of tissues from where you are
You can see your reflection in a mirror
You can see what’s on tv from where you are
You have to go to school/work tomorrow

My birthday is Thursday (OLD, ). She’s throwing me a party on the 27th for it. I just don’t care to show up at all. There’s never anyone there that I like or care to hang out with. It’s a fucking keg party, which I hate. The only reason she throws parties is to be the center of fucking attention. Doesn’t matter what it’s for. The last time I had a big birthday bash she turned it around on herself, so I’m not holding out much hope for this one. People from work are supposed to show up and I want her to bust out her true colours in front of them so hard.

But, yeah. I just don’t feel like telling her about my goings-on anymore. We had a super bowl party… she wasn’t invited. She can’t fucking behave herself, therefore she’s not invited. We all decided that shit around Christmastime when my grandpa was in town & we all went out to dinner. She bitched & acted like a petulant child from the moment we got there until days after it was over. And I had to hear all about it. Therefore, we’ve stopped giving a shit about her because she clearly doesn’t give a shit about anyone but herself.

“What did you guys do for super bowl?” “Was anyone over there?” “I had to sit at home by myself.” That, which is a lie because she then later told me that she went across the street to hang out with her neighbours for a bit. You’re not going to guilt me with that “I’m all alone/I have no friends” bullshit. You have plenty of friends, you just apparently don’t ever call them. Seriously. Or maybe you do and they’re avoiding you b/c you act the same way around them.

A “hey, what did you do this weekend” is terribly innocent from anyone but her. God forbid you do anything fun without having invited her along. She’s got some sort of inferiority complex going on that is really fucking annoying. Someone has something she doesn’t? Someone buys something? Oh, those are apparently the biggest personal affronts to her EVER. How dare someone have something i don’t.

She’s always saying that people should step back and look at the common denominator when someone else bitches about the same thing. You know, one day I’m going to tell her the same thing. I’m tired of stressing myself out over it and I’m going to stop. I just don’t give a shit anymore. I’ll be 30-years-old on the 25th…. I’m too old for this fucking junior-high guilt-trip shit, especially from my own mother.

Drivers come in to pick up some cheap shit. They’re early, so I’m not in the mood. I’m currently processing orders, so it’s going to be a minute. Georgia tells SmartAss McGee that I’m currently doing that and it’ll be a minute. (It doesn’t take me long, because I fucking rule.) I’m coming around the corner from the stairs as she’s telling him. Then as I’m picking up the folders, I hear this…

“[current real name] needs to step it up a notch.”

(cue me turning around with that LOOK on my face. oh yeah, peaches, you know that look i get when i’m going to get stabby.)

“You need to kiss my ass.”

Then cue his other smart-ass comment about me not having had my coffee this morning. I don’t drink coffee during the week and I manage just fine so SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU SMELLY LOSER.

I just ignored him and went about my business. I went back upstairs and came back down a few minutes later and he cracks off, “It’ll be OK, [current real name}.”

I swear to everything Holy I almost went over there and kicked him in his fucking shins. Anyway…

So, how is everyone? BRILLIANT!

“The 27th. I’ve been letting people know.”

Oh, it’s apparently going to involve a keg. Apparently (word of the post, apparently ), all of the times I’ve proclaimed my hatred of keg parties just goes in one ear and right the fuck out of the other. No one I know or even like shows up at these things and I already know what’s going to happen. The same thing that happened at my last birthday party… mother hogged the fucking attention for herself, because God forbid someone have their own special day once a year.

I doubt it’s even going to come to fruition; but if it does and I decide to grace it with my presence, I reserve the right to leave whenever the fuck I want. I also reserve the right the curse people (i.e., mother) the fuck out when they (she) starts acting like a cunty twatface. And since she’s apparently (4) inviting people from work, I’d love for her to show her true colours.

I picture the entire affair ending with these (not the sexy men, unfortunately)…

Oh, and apparently, she was going to make it a surprise… no, just no thank you.

Facebook Wants to Be Your One True Login

This is why morons shouldn’t be allowed to own computers. Seriously? I’m only up to page 7 of the comments right now; but seriously? Even after the article was edited to include the message that THIS SITE ISN’T FUCKING FACEBOOK, people are still *~*confused*~*.

This crap is fucking hilarious. I really, really wonder about some people’s literacy. Seriously, get grandma off the fucking computer.

Facebook – BLUE. RRW – RED. I know Facebook has been instituting a lot of changes lately, but Jesus-fucking-Christ people, they didn’t change the damn layout.

Stupid people make my brain hurt. I’m seriously wondering how these people manage to function in their daily lives if they can’t even manage to get to a fucking web site they apparently frequent like it’s going out of style. How do they work microwaves, or an ATM, or breathing?

Haha, this thread got me thinking. All these people use Google to get to Facebook? How do they get to Google? I’d have to guess their homepage is Google. Now if only there were a way to change that homepage to Facebook they’d be stuck!

Posted by: Rofl | February 11, 2010 2:50 PM

hahahahahaha! If you use Google to get to Google, is that like dividing by zero and destroying the world? YOU MOTHERFUCKER YOU JUST BROKE THE INTERNET.

/edit: Most of the stupid-asses have managed to click on the option that lets you comment with your Facebook details. Therefore, you have a face and profile to go along with the stupid. I’ve been visiting some of them… oh people older than me, .

I hate this fucking place & everyone in it. Especially that fucking bitch standing over to the right.

If I didn’t write these notes to myself while I was at work, I’d probably yell at a bunch of people and no one would talk to me ever again. Not that I really care, but hey… it makes ME feel better and that’s all that matters. I wrote these last Friday. It’s amazing what I find stuffed in my pockets after work, .