Darling Clementine

I’ve gotten to the point where i just don’t like to discuss my life with mother anymore. We’ve stopped inviting her places and work is just about the only place I see her. We’re/I’m just not in the mood for her shenanigans anymore. If you can’t play nice, you can’t play at all.

My birthday is Thursday (OLD, ). She’s throwing me a party on the 27th for it. I just don’t care to show up at all. There’s never anyone there that I like or care to hang out with. It’s a fucking keg party, which I hate. The only reason she throws parties is to be the center of fucking attention. Doesn’t matter what it’s for. The last time I had a big birthday bash she turned it around on herself, so I’m not holding out much hope for this one. People from work are supposed to show up and I want her to bust out her true colours in front of them so hard.

But, yeah. I just don’t feel like telling her about my goings-on anymore. We had a super bowl party… she wasn’t invited. She can’t fucking behave herself, therefore she’s not invited. We all decided that shit around Christmastime when my grandpa was in town & we all went out to dinner. She bitched & acted like a petulant child from the moment we got there until days after it was over. And I had to hear all about it. Therefore, we’ve stopped giving a shit about her because she clearly doesn’t give a shit about anyone but herself.

“What did you guys do for super bowl?” “Was anyone over there?” “I had to sit at home by myself.” That, which is a lie because she then later told me that she went across the street to hang out with her neighbours for a bit. You’re not going to guilt me with that “I’m all alone/I have no friends” bullshit. You have plenty of friends, you just apparently don’t ever call them. Seriously. Or maybe you do and they’re avoiding you b/c you act the same way around them.

A “hey, what did you do this weekend” is terribly innocent from anyone but her. God forbid you do anything fun without having invited her along. She’s got some sort of inferiority complex going on that is really fucking annoying. Someone has something she doesn’t? Someone buys something? Oh, those are apparently the biggest personal affronts to her EVER. How dare someone have something i don’t.

She’s always saying that people should step back and look at the common denominator when someone else bitches about the same thing. You know, one day I’m going to tell her the same thing. I’m tired of stressing myself out over it and I’m going to stop. I just don’t give a shit anymore. I’ll be 30-years-old on the 25th…. I’m too old for this fucking junior-high guilt-trip shit, especially from my own mother.

Top 5 Things Every Extrovert Should Know About Introverts

I think I’m in the midst of a quarter-life crisis. I’m sick of most of the people I’m in contact with on a daily basis. I just want to crawl into a hole (or bed) and not come out. I loathe getting up in the mornings. I loathe getting in the shower and driving down the interstate. I loathe the rest of the fucking day. I even loathe going back to bed to start it all over.

I’m confused and annoyed and trapped and… stifled. I can’t do anything without people getting mad at me (or it feels that way anyway). I can’t express my feelings on things without people getting mad and being smart-asses about it. I’m about to pop the fuck off at work. It’s coming, I can feel it. Of course, really, when I say people, I should really say mother. It always come back to mother, doesn’t it?

I don’t know. I just feel so fucking trapped in this city. I just want to break out… run away with my arms flailing and screaming at the top of my lungs. I can’t take it anymore, but really, I’m finding it hard to work up the motivation and willpower to do anything about it. There’s only one person rallying in my corner & we’re codependent as a mother… (Loooove you, :P)

I’m sick of people and situations and family and work and, just, EVERYTHING. Just sick… and tired. Oh Lord, am I tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally. I’m going to snap one day and it’s going to be ugly. How I’ve managed to keep everything semi-bottled inside all of this time, I’ll never know. I’m mentally keeping a list of everyone who’s gonna get it and I’m going to make a lot of enemies. But, you know what? I don’t even care. I’m teaching myself not to care. Because if they cared about anyone but themselves, they wouldn’t be dickbags.

I’m learning to teach myself to be myself. BE MYSELF. Don’t live for anyone else. Don’t compromise my standards and morals and thoughts and whatever for anyone else. I haven’t been myself in a long, long time. It’s depressing. But, some people have way of working their way into your brain and soon enough, you’re consumed by their negativity and thoughts and just crap.

I need to get out of here, this place is going to kill me. I’m letting my fears and anxiety about starting anew keep me trapped, I know this. Eventually, you’ve just gotta say “fuck it”, throw caution to the wind and go. Just go. Go. And I will… I’m going to do this.

Work has been making me physically ill. It also hurts my feelings & makes me want to cry. Therefore, I don’t think I should go anymore. :weep:

This cutesy layout is starting to piss me off, . I’ve been looking for another one, but nothing is striking me as right. Oh well, I’ll just keep looking…

Anyway… I’m tired. Physically, mentally… just tired. I’m tired of most everyone I see on a daily basis, and some that I don’t see all that often. I’m tired of seeing the same old shit, the same old people, the same old… same old. I need some kind of excitement… and sleep that refreshes.

I almost drove to Nashville Saturday morning out of sheer boredom. Of course, having to come back on Sunday would have just pissed me off. Oh well. “Sorry, I can’t come into work Monday, having fun.” Would have been just fine with me, I don’t like being there anyway. With the exception of, like, two people, everyone can just fuck right off.

I don’t know anymore. Well, I’m not quite sure if I ever knew, ha! I’m working on it, though. I do know one thing… I need to get out of here; or, at least, to a different part of here. Hmmm…